Grief and Joy

Can joy and grief coexist?

I think so.

I don’t really know…but I think I am.

My baby is dying. It’s like a piece of my heart is living outside my body and it’s been beating slower and slower…but now the beat stops.

Life or death decision…but is it really? It feels like the decision is unbearable heavy. It feels cruel yet kind. It feels unknown. It feels scary. It feels awful.

But how can I also be joyful?

It’s my birthday month…BOSSTOBER…my happy time.

I’m surrounded by a loving community.

I have a month of birthday celebrations lined up…culminating with a trip to my happy place….Aruba…a beach, a book, a massage…that’s what the plan was.

But the grief…and exhaustion.

It comes in waves…different sized waves.

I’m not even sure if I’m breathing sometimes.

Every moment. Every second…so precious…can never get it back.

I wrote this journal entry about the exhaustion earlier this month:

I’m afraid to go to sleep because every day I wake up with a looming decision.

Everyday I wake up wondering if she passed in her sleep.

Everyday I wake up unsettled.

It takes hours for me to feel normal…or whatever that means again.

Staying awake I feel alert, good and less worrisome.

She’s stopped crying…but my insides are crying…

When I read that now I realize I was in denial for a while…I couldn’t decide. I wanted a second, third, fourth, fifth opinion. I didn’t believe the doctors. I wanted someone to say it’s not over.

After days of prayer and asking God for a sign…I got one…but not the one I wanted. I lay on the closet floor clutching Chanel sobbing and begging God…not yet please. 

I want another birthday with my baby.

I want another valentines photoshoot with my baby.

I want more trips to Starbucks with my baby.

I want more everything with my baby girl Chanel.

But no, the darkest day of my life is here.

And I also feel joy and relief. Everyday since Chanel’s had congestive heart failure I’ve woken up wondering if she’s still breathing…I haven’t really slept in almost 5 years.  Is it bad to feel relieved that I might sleep worry free now?

But I wonder if I’ll wake in sorrow.

I wonder if I’ll wake expecting her to be there then realizing the painful reality over again.

I wonder…

I wonder in confused amazement that grief and joy can coexist within me.

It is the darkest day of my life yet there is joy. I see the blessings….I know the blessings I have been given, worked for and protected…there is peace in that.

As with each year…I plan my birthday month and fill it with joyous occasions…but this year I recorded the biggest unwelcome surprise…the passing of my little baby girl Chanel…what a birthday.

Forever a part of me…Chanel.

The decision paralysis was killing me…

I didn’t want Chanel to be in heaven wondering why…how she got there too soon.

I didn’t want Chanel to be here in pain.

I didn’t want to make the decision…the decision I didn’t know how to make…the decision I prayed I’d never had to make…the decision that seemed not to have any positive outcomes.

People always say you’ll know…or she’ll tell you…I get that now.

Gratitude…pure gratitude for our community.

There was a community that raised Chanel with me…and that community has shown up tenfold in her passing.

Shoutout to Cris for staying on the phone with me at 3am while I toiled with the decision and how to do it.

Shout out to Constance and Jamie for coming to take Chanel’s final photos…it was a beautiful last day and I cannot thank you enough for capturing it.

Shoutout to my boss, Julie, for the compassion and space to take off work without worry. And to my co-workers who stepped up when my mind went blank and who endured hearing Chanel crying on zoom calls because the dementia had her so confused these last months.

Shout out to Chanel’s Starbucks friends for always having her pup-cup ready and always loving on her…even when the dementia had her confused and screaming at them.

Shout out to my building staff for helping me with Chanel day in and day out then sending flowers to comfort me.

Shoutout to Rachel for meeting my mom and I after we said goodbye and taking us to dinner to celebrate Chanel’s life.

Shout out to Sarah, Anika, LaQuanda and Charlique for sending flowers so I wouldn’t be alone in my apartment those first nights.

Shoutout to Tai, Tim, Duncan and Maya for the commemorative candle.

Shoutout to Dr. Luethy, Chanel’s cardiologist, Dr. Lohmar, Chanel’s longtime vet who retired last year yet remained in constant contact, and to Dr. Alvarez, Chanel’s new vet who tended to both of us with the utmost care in her final year and especially for the graceful way she conducted Chanel’s last procedure.

Shoutout to the entire team at MedVet and Family Pet for loving on Chanel through sickness and in health. She was never afraid of going to the vet because you always made her comfortable.

Shoutout to the Chicago Cavalier King Charles Facebook group. It was beautiful for our babies to play together earth side and I’m comforted in knowing she’s with so many of her friends heaven side.

Shoutout to the Cavalier King Charles rescue for taking the donation of Chanel’s meds so another pup may be blessed with life saving medication.

Shoutout to my OKC besties for the long phone calls and texts sharing photos and memories of my baby Chanel in her younger days.

Shoutout to my therapist for gently guiding me and helping me move through the denial phase of grief to let go.

Shoutout to my little brother, Olu, who loved Chanel with all his heart.

Shoutout to everyone who’s sent birthday text, emails, calls, FB posts, LinkedIn messages and more…I appreciate you not caring about my lack of response…I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around the loss and celebrate this next trip around the sun.

Shoutout to my mom for being with me every step of the way. The worlds greatest grandma to Chanel. Coming to Chicago 3 times this month to support me and Chanel as this decision neared. She endured the most…and was in the room for our final goodbye. My mom was so kind she even brought a gift to Chanel’s vet for helping us through this all…I can only pray I have a fraction of kindness my mother embodies. You helped me pack Chanel’s outfits and package everything that needs to be donated. She’s always been and will always be your first grandbaby.

Shoutout to the community that surrounded Chanel and me the last 15.5 years…it’s been a beautiful time. I don’t know what the next adventure holds for me but I know I can do it because you’re with me and Chanel is shinning down on us from heaven.

Forever a part of me…the piece of my heart that’s outside my body…Chanel.

Her last earthside day…

I refused to give Chanel anything but joy.

Stayed up all night trying to comfort her through her cries and yelps.

Called my mom at 3am to say it was the day…she was on the 5am flight and arrived at 7am.

Her aunties came over….did my hair and took our final photos…those memories are invaluable.

Her Starbucks buddies gave her her final pupcup.

Her friends at Avec made her a delicious, giant piece of salmon.

Her vet dimmed the lights and lit candles in the room for her passing.

Her grandma loved on her.

Her momma (me) loved on her.

Her vet and all the technicians loved on her.

Her auntie met us for a dinner celebrating her life.

In that last day, she was prayed over…celebrated and rejoiced…I couldn’t ask for more…no matter how much sorrow I carry.

I’ve never felt crazier than trying to squeeze one thousand moments of joy filled memories into a few hours…but every time I look back at these phots I feel her presence…I feel joy…I am thankful for the manic mad dash mission of JOY AND ONLY JOY…I am thankful for my tribe for entertaining my last wishes for Chanel. Five years ago when Chanel was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and had to go on a strict low sodium diet I told myself my baby would have her favorite food (salmon) again on her last day…well, mission freaking accomplished! The pure joy on her face and in her eyes as she lay on the floor eating that salmon…her inability to move after eating it……the way she smelled like salmon in her last moments…it was all I needed.

My prayer for Chanel in heaven…

May she have an abundance of pup cups without getting diarrhea…

May she eat all the salty food without worrying about her heart issues.

May she always remember me and everyone that loved her.

May she play with the big dogs like her daycare report card always noted.

Forever a part of me…the piece of my heart that’s outside my body…Chanel…mommy loves you darling girl.

A new routine…what’s that?

And now the hardest part…how do I build a new routine?

After almost 16 years of Chanel being part of my routine and 5 years of being her caretaker through Congestive Heart Failure…it’s so tough because everything reminds me of her…and the loss of her.

Going to Starbucks…they make my order and hers automatically every day.

Going to the local cafe…they have her water bowl out.

Going to Bloomingdale’s…they ask where she’s at and how she’s doing.

Going down the elevator in my building…the neighbors ask where she’s at and how she’s doing.

Going to get ready in the morning…I don’t have to put her food out, give her her daily medications and more.

Going everywhere…she is the void…she was part of me, my routine and what was expected when I show up for so long.

Going to the mailbox…I forgot to cancel the recurring order for her meds, patch of grass, food and more that were all on auto-order.

Forever a part of me…Chanel.

Joy with grief…

Somehow…someway…they do go together.

I don’t get it…but I feel it.

I’ve never felt more confused, crazy and completely out of my mind.

But what I do know is that God is setting up major things in my life and I truly feel this was part of the preparation.

However hard, however difficult…I will continue.

Dearest Chanel…thank you for getting me through MAJOR life shifts….a cross country move, a career transition, countless breakups, a pandemic, starting a business and more. It’s time for me to learn to get through the next major shifts without you by my side.

Forever a part of me…Chanel mommy loves you.

So now I’m curious….have you ever experienced grief and joy at the same time?

I keep thinking I can’t be the only one.

The feelings make no sense but now I’m curious if others have it to….so I’ll be looking up articles and books and whatever I can get my hands on.

If you have resources I’d love to check them out. Thank you.

There’s one thing I feel for sure…joy doesn’t exist without grief…and vice versa.